Archive for June, 2008
Last Updated on Monday, 11 February 2013 02:22 Written by David Solie Thursday, 12 June 2008 08:13
I receive a steady stream of emails from adult children who are trying to work with angry older parents. In most cases, these caregivers are trying to find the best solution to a difficult situation(little or no planning, last minute complications, minimal resources, limited choices, no support system, etc.). Below is a response I recently sent to caregiver who stated “my mom hates me.”
Unfortunately, our aging parents may reject our attempts to be of help. In most cases it represents profound anger at their situation as well as their caregivers. Their outward displeasure and verbal affronts are the few tools they have left to exert control on their environment. When all else fails, control the caregiver with anger. It creates a miserable environment for everyone. You are hoping she will find some “happiness” and she is letting you know this is not going to happen and, more importantly, how angry she is at her situation and especially you. Now what?
You need to consider the boundaries of what you are trying to accomplish. Aging is a messy process and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things turn our poorly. It might help to tell your mother that you are doing “the best you can do” given the situation. She can choose to be angry, mean, and hateful. But it won’t change the situation or the opportunity you two have to work together. You don’t have the power to turn back the clock, make money appear, or correct all of the wrongs in her life. Your just trying to do the best you can to give her dignity and choices. No matter how angry she gets at her situation, the problems of being older won’t disappear. In fact, they get more complicated. The only thing that helps is working together to find the best choices.
Don’t expect your mother to jump up and hug you, apologize for her spiteful comments, and be a different person. But stay on script in a gentle and firm voice. Think of it as a campaign that you need to orchestrate over the next three months. Be compassionate, but stay on message and keep your words consistent.
Maybe you mother will not change her mind. If not, you at least are giving her a clear signal about what you can and cannot do. It returns a modicum of sanity to your world. Maybe she will tone down the anger part of the time, a small but significant reprieve. And maybe, just maybe, she may see the occasion to talk about her feelings and “test” how it feels to work together.
Tags: aging, aging parents, caregiver, Communication, coping, David Solie, depression, disability, How To Say It To Seniors | Posted under Aging Parents | 2 Comments
Last Updated on Monday, 11 February 2013 02:23 Written by David Solie Sunday, 1 June 2008 06:16
I just finished reading a new book by Sheryl Karas, MA entitled The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving. It is a compendium of newsletters she wrote from 2000 to 2005 while serving as a “family caregiving consultant” for a non-profit organization in Santa Cruz, California. It proves to be an accessible, practical, and insightful book about the reality and opportunity of caring for aging parents.
First and foremost the book reminds us that there is spiritual work afoot in the drama of aging parents no matter how grim or demanding the circumstances. Karas offers a series of vignettes comprised of stories, insights, and advice that help us understand how this spiritual “opportunity” emerges amid the demands of caregiving in a world of deteriorating physical and mental health. It is an opportunity that may ultimately save our life. How?
The drama of aging parents is a powerful riptide that can pull us under in seconds. For their sake and ours, we need to find ways to stay afloat. Reframing the caregiving journey in spiritual terms helps us do that. It elevates our role to a higher calling, transforms the meaning of suffering, and connects us to a power outside of ourselves. It allows us to become more comfortable with our limitations and more open to solutions that we neither orchestrate nor control. Most importantly, it helps to ask more useful questions.
A spiritual perspective of caregiving in most cases assumes that help is necessary, available for the asking, and on its way. For many adult children who feel obligated to do it all alone as a statement of their love and dedication, this is an important and potentially life saving breakthrough. As Karas point out, the most successful caregivers ask for help over and over again. This leads them to create customized support networks made up of other caregivers, family members, social services, fee-based services, online communities, and spiritual resources. Armed with help-seeking questions (what’s the big picture? what are the facts? what works? what’s possible?), they build a “flotation network” for themselves and their aging parents. As important, this spiritually-based survival network begins to free them up to discover new layers of meaning about the caregiving journey, lessons and insights they never dreamed existed.
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Tags: aging, aging parents, caregiver, Communication, coping, David Solie, depression, disability, How To Say It To Seniors, wellness | Posted under Aging Parents | No Comments
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