Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Archive for June, 2010

Pulling the Cardiac Plug

Last Updated on Monday, 11 February 2013 01:42 Written by David Solie Monday, 21 June 2010 01:49

Even the best laid plans of aging can fall apart. Katy Butler’s recent article in The New York Times, What Broke My Father’s Heart, tells a painful tale of the unwanted impact of medical technology in the last and most distressing phase of life (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/magazine/20pacemaker-t.html?pagewanted=1&ref=homepage&src=me).

But this is no ordinary article about a bad outcome involving aging parents. This is a seminal article about a new and quite sobering level of vigilance that attends our role with our aging parents. The rapidity of events and the ever present pressure of “medical necessity” in the last phase of life can push families into decisions they not only regret but, as Ms. Butler so eloquently and heroically portrays, resist our best efforts to unwind them. If there was ever an article on this subject to read in a quiet, non-distracted moment, this is surly the one…

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No Money: No Comment

I was recently asked what to do about aging parents who had little or no savings but refused to discuss any aspect of their “money issue.” It reminded me that our role as adult children is not necessarily about problem solving; it is about compassionate containment. So many of the issues we feel compelled to “fix” have no clear answers. The best we can do is sort out what to accept from what we can actually change. Here was the advice I offered:

The issue of money, like so many other issues in the last phase of life, is about control. The best way to approach it is to reframe money as means of maintaining control. Lack of money takes away control. This link will take you to an article I authored on “communicating touch choices” that offers a practical strategy for how to do this:http://www.aging.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=2103&textonly=1

You may also want to consider three strategies that will help you “hedge” your parent’s financial risk:

1. Buy a long term care policy with a two years home care/two years nursing home benefit. This assumes they will cooperative with the process (i.e. signing the applications and answering questions).

2. Start funding a dedicated “side fund” for expenses that a long term care policy will not cover.

3. If you parents own their home, become familiar with how “reverse mortgages work and when they make sense.

Lastly, you need to began discussions with local area agencies on aging to determine what, if any, community resources can assist your parents if they run out of money.

This is a tough end-game, especially if you parents don’t want to talk about. The article will help you frame your conversations. Be patient but persistent in your discussions about control and your desire to help them maintain it.