Seniority appears to be the rule of thumb. While adult child in their late sixties are beginning the battle for control and the search for legacy, these developmental needs are usually “put on hold” for the sake of the aging parent. Practicality dictates that both parties cannot be insisting on control as well as the airtime for life review, but the seniority accommodation is not as simple as it sounds.

Developmental needs are first and foremost embedded marching orders, which are involuntary, unconscious, and consumptive. They are background software for life-long human developmental and exert a pressing influence on perception, cognition, and behavior. When two generations share the same developmental zone, a new type of power struggle emerges over whose needs deserve priority. As with all generational conflicts, a middle ground is hard to find and hold.

The best course for adult children caught in this developmental simulcast is to make a selective course correction while their aging parents are still alive. This involves mapping out “control sustaining” strategies for their personal life (i.e. where to live, how to pay for it, how to manage health, how to foster community, etc.) while supporting their aging parent’s need to control their own destiny. It can awkward, confusing, and unsatisfying, but it defuses the unwinnable argument of entitlement. While everyone is entitled to address their developmental needs, in the context of families, this may require delay, compromise, and compassion for those who are going ahead.

The most significant change in the middle-aged brain is a decrease in “executive function.” Executive function is the hub of multitasking and occurs in the frontal brain. It is responsible for prioritizing and keeping track of long lists of complicated, interconnected transactions. As this capacity begins to wane, it becomes harder and harder for middle-aged adults to keep “everything together.”

Complicating this setback in multitasking capacity is a concurrent decrease in the brain?s “staying on task” function. The impeccable filtering of distractions that comes so easy in youth begins to give way to the irresistible pull of distractions in middle age. The result is that middle-aged adults suffer from a failing attention span. Things get put in the wrong place, scheduling errors increase, “why I did I come in here” moments are more frequent, and “retrieval time” of information slows. This unwelcome and annoying distractibility has qualities that mimic ADD and make it harder and harder for middle-aged adults to “stay on task.”

Both of these brain changes complicate the job of caregiving for middle-aged adults where keeping everything together and staying on task are essential.

What can make this better?

1. Consider a “one-list” system Multiple “to do” lists can lead to disaster. It is more effective to work off a single, dynamic list that is constantly annotated, revised, rewritten, and reviewed. It becomes the focal point of a “keep track of things” system that is always identifying the most important short-term priorities and then quickly repositioning these items to the top of the list.

2. Fight the urge to “binge” multitask Binges of multitasking only exacerbate distractibility and prove inefficient and unhealthful. With the natural tendency of middle age brains to wander or lose their location “threads,” it is better to focus on a the task at hand and “turn off” as many distractions as much as possible (music, cell phone, email dings, etc.).

3. Optimize the continuum Mind-Body health is an interconnected continuum. The simple but powerful things that optimize bodies, optimize brains. Exercise, prayer, music, meditation, writing, dancing, being with friends, healthy food, support groups, and large does of humor open caregiver hearts, and, as importantly, give caregivers the creativity they need to build a new partnership with their middle age brains.