Saturday, February 04, 2012

Archive for the ‘Boomers’ Category

The First Cousin

I grew up amid a herd of cousins, surrogate brothers and sisters who were embedded in my childhood. Operating as life scouts, they lived a few years ahead of me on the dangerous and uncharted perimeter of the adult world. One by one we all transmuted into adults with careers, families, kids, and aging parents.

In most cases, our aging parents passed on when we well on our way in middle age. With each loss, our world became more sober as the reality of being “next” in line collided with the world of sixty-something. But a new emotional tipping point in the drama of being older occurred with the unexpected death of the first cousin.

It’s not that we hadn’t experienced the loss of peers in childhood or as young adults. And then after fifty, the news of friends, friends of friends, and people we simply knew about being suddenly gone began occurring with a prophetic regularity. While it was disorienting and disturbing, it initially spared our family network of adult children. But when the first cousin of the surviving herd died at sixty-something, all that changed.

While it was a single loss, we knew it was a cautionary tale about our generational position and predicament. Despite the density of our modern lives, we could no longer afford to ignore this new vulnerability, a realization that haunted our awareness. We knew we were never going to reclaim the frequency or closeness of childhood. That was another life that had served us well, but was gone. We also know that the meaning and import of our early years now took on legacy proportions with the threatened loss of its primary players. We felt compelled to undertake a “cousin audit” of the history that defined so much of our early family life.

We spoke out loud about what meant the most to us and why. We disagreed about chronology but respected personal importance. We confessed our bias, preferences, blind spots, selective memory and the out and out rewriting of history. But most of all we saw, from the end of middle age, how complicated life was for our parents, like it or not. We didn’t gloss over the unsavory and pathological events we would have gladly avoided, but the easy assessments of “they could have done better” lost its steam. Life turned out to be hard for everyone, including us.

Boomers Arriving at 65: The Stability Survey™

We neither get better or worse as we get older,
but more like ourselves…Robert Anthony

The boomers are landing on the shore of old age at a rate of 12,000 a day. While turning 65 is officially classified as “young-old,” there is little doubt this is a quantum shift in the boomer lifecycle. As important, this transition is not just leaving behind middle age bodies; it is also about leaving behind middle age psychology. The developmental tasks of fifty-something are being replaced by the tasks of seventy-something. Adding to the complexity of this transition is the persistent turbulence of post-meltdown world. Now what?

What would be helpful at this juncture is a simple way for boomers to assess personal stability, a tool that could provide them with:

1. An overview of the status of key personal resources
2. Feedback about strengths and deficiencies
3. Insights to set realistic expectations and goals

I have created a new self-inventory questionnaire that does this called “The Stability Survey?.”

The Stability Survey? is a yes-no questionnaire that provides a snapshot of boomer transition assets. There are no right or wrong answers or scoring, just a “holding its own” (stable) or “not doing so well” (unstable) assessment of six broad sectors that impact both quality of life and optimal aging.

Here are the six survey questions:

How is your health?
How is your family?
How are your friends?
How is your career?
How are your dreams?
How are your finances?

Here are some of the implications of the answers for each sector:

Health Status
Stable health usually means no medical issues or medical issues that are under control. Unstable health usually means emerging medical issues or existing medical issues that are either drifting or officially out of control.

Family Status
Stable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are under control. Unstable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are either drifting or officially out of control

Friends Status
Stable friends usually means close friends who provide comfort and support. Unstable friends usually means issues with close friends that are undermining comfort and support

Career Status
Stable career usually means implementation of a personal retirement plan including post-retirement work. Unstable career usually means unresolved work issues or unsatisfactory retirement planning.

Dream Status
Stable dreams usually means the emergence and pursuit of longstanding or new passions, interests, callings, or pursuits. Unstable dreams usually means the loss of deeply personal dreams or the belief they are attainable.

Financial Status
Stable finances usually means implementation of a pre or post personal financial plan Unstable finances usually means unresolved financial issues or unsatisfactory financial planning.

The Stability Survey? is both a look back at where boomers have been and a look forward to the mission that lay ahead. In developmental terms, it shows which transition assets are in alignment with the tasks of the final phase of life: control and legacy. Conversely, it quickly highlights which of the six resources could potentially undermine them. This “big picture” view at the gateway to the next twenty and possibly thirty years could prove invaluable to boomers who are searching for clarity and direction to help them preserve quality of life as well as promote optimal aging.

Aging In The Wrong Place

As the boomers pass en masse through middle age, it is assumed that they will undergo “generativity,” a term coined by the psychoanalyst Erik Erikson in 1950 to denote “a concern for establishing and guiding the next generation.” Generativity represents a sociological moment of truth for adults entering the second half of life, an opportunity to move from “me” to “us” that reduces self-interest in favor of the interests of generations who follow. This was cultural ethos of the boomer’s parents. Their “group-centric” upbringing championed the common good above excessive magnification of self. Tom Brokaw’s book The Greatest Generation highlights their generational resistance to excessive adoration of WW II survivors, an insult to the “real heroes” who never made it off the battlefield. But will the boomers follow in the same sociological footsteps? All indications are they will not.

Blame it on the parents of boomers who wanted their post-war children to have a better future. Their good intentions ushered in the first child-centric society in US history. But what seemed magical on the parenting drawing board wound up replacing the group-centric ethos of the “greatest generation” with a new, self-centric ethos, a societal sea change that only intensified as it cascaded into succeeding generations.

This unprecedented magnification of self is proving difficult to shed in the passage through middle age fraught with financial setbacks, chronic health problems, and an overall generational distaste for being old. The boomer version of generativity is turning out to be a movement from “me” to “more me.” What does this mean?

Sadly, self-magnification rarely self-corrects. The societal narcissism introduced by boomers has become a full epidemic of self-magnification in succeeding generations, a perfect co-dependency between new technologies and child-devoted parenting. It is a shift in societal DNA that bodes poorly for boomers on a number of fronts:

1. Personal Health Over focus on self is a form of magical thinking. It assumes “just in time” interventions from the outside to save the day, which has been true for most of the boomer’s generational trek. Schools were built, jobs appeared, and opportunity flowed freely decade after decade. But health ultimately is the product of internal accountability, lifestyle, “health habits” that prove to be destiny. In this regard, boomers are self-centric consumers waiting for the illusive intervention of modern medicine to save them from unhealthy habits. Yet all the tests, procedures, and medications offered by the US healthcare system cannot override poor lifestyle choices, and they haven’t. The only rescue from poor health and its symbiotic twin bankruptcy is self-rescue. Ironically, medicine has known this for decades but has taken a different path. It seems doubtful that the boomers will recognize or accept this inner truth about accountability before time runs out.

2. Generational Mentoring Over focus on self sees old age as the worst of all possible outcomes. Not surprising, magical thinking is once again the boomer storyline as they bet the farm on anti-aging products and procedures to delay the dreaded “looking old,” a slight of hand trick that allows sixty-five to be declared the new forty-five. In this model that sees aging as disease, elders fade from society’s vernacular, and with it the loss of a historically stabilizing force in families and society. The traditional elder role of compassion, patience, and big picture wisdom is replaced by anxious sixty-something adults whose attempts to fend off being old only become more and more exaggerated.

3. Philanthropic Empathy Over focus on self trumps empathy for others leaving “someone else” to take care society’s problems. The sheer complexity of being middle age, up to your neck in debt, poorly positioned for an expensive longevity, and slipping into declining health leaves little emotional bandwidth for society’s “greater” needs that seem to be everywhere. Ironically, the largest generation of fifty year olds in the history of the world may wind up being the most costly in terms of social burden while being the least philanthropic.

Shakespeare noted that “past is prologue” but not all boomers are stuck in this self-magnified approach to the second half of life. They have taken the lifestyle path less traveled, high on accountability with careful attention to health habits. But the majority of boomers are at risk. Certainly late-onset course corrections are possible even against the stiff currents of self-magnification. But minus the support of a group-centric ethos, sustainable changes require a rare epiphany and determination to accept what needs to be done and then find a way to “just do it.”

Conflicting Layers of Longevity

As boomers approach the outskirts of being old, a new aging dilemma is beginning to emerge: simultaneous developmental phases with their aging parents. It is one thing to be fifty-something and have aging parents in their mid to late seventies. Both parties are clearly situated in separate developmental phases. The fifty-something adult is navigating the tasks of middle age, preserving stability while at the same time orchestrating a new purpose and direction for the second half of life. Their aging parents, on the other hand, have different marching orders, preserving control in a world where all control is being lost while at the same time creating a legacy before time runs out. The challenge is to find an effective middle ground so both parties can successfully complete their developmental tasks. But what happens when adult children enter their late sixties and their aging parents are still alive, where both parties wind up in the last phase of life?

Seniority appears to be the rule of thumb. While adult child in their late sixties are beginning the battle for control and the search for legacy, these developmental needs are usually “put on hold” for the sake of the aging parent. Practicality dictates that both parties cannot be insisting on control as well as the airtime for life review, but the seniority accommodation is not as simple as it sounds.

Developmental needs are first and foremost embedded marching orders, which are involuntary, unconscious, and consumptive. They are background software for life-long human developmental and exert a pressing influence on perception, cognition, and behavior. When two generations share the same developmental zone, a new type of power struggle emerges over whose needs deserve priority. As with all generational conflicts, a middle ground is hard to find and hold.

The best course for adult children caught in this developmental simulcast is to make a selective course correction while their aging parents are still alive. This involves mapping out “control sustaining” strategies for their personal life (i.e. where to live, how to pay for it, how to manage health, how to foster community, etc.) while supporting their aging parent’s need to control their own destiny. It can awkward, confusing, and unsatisfying, but it defuses the unwinnable argument of entitlement. While everyone is entitled to address their developmental needs, in the context of families, this may require delay, compromise, and compassion for those who are going ahead.

Search

David Solie Updates

Sign Up for David Solie Updates

* Required field

*

*

*






Email Marketing by VerticalResponse

Communicate

No Money: No Comment

I was recently asked what to do about aging parents who had little or no savings but refused to discuss any aspect of their “money issue.” It reminded me that our role as adult children is not necessarily about problem solving; it is about compassionate containment. So many of the issues we feel compelled to “fix” have no clear answers. The best we can do is sort out what to accept from what we can actually change. Here was the advice I offered:

The issue of money, like so many other issues in the last phase of life, is about control. The best way to approach it is to reframe money as means of maintaining control. Lack of money takes away control. This link http://www.dsolie.com/articles/reframing.html will take you to an article I authored on “communicating touch choices” that offers a practical strategy for how to do this.

You may also want to consider three strategies that will help you “hedge” your parent’s financial risk:

1. Buy a long term care policy with a two years home care/two years nursing home benefit. This assumes they will cooperative with the process (i.e. signing the applications and answering questions).

2. Start funding a dedicated “side fund” for expenses that a long term care policy will not cover.

3. If you parents own their home, become familiar with how “reverse mortgages work and when they make sense.

Lastly, you need to began discussions with local area agencies on aging to determine what, if any, community resources can assist your parents if they run out of money.

This is a tough end-game, especially if you parents don’t want to talk about. The article will help you frame your conversations. Be patient but persistent in your discussions about control and your desire to help them maintain it.