Riptide: Excerpt from David Solie’s new book-Part 2
Last Updated on Saturday, 22 May 2010 07:37 Written by David Solie Sunday, 9 May 2010 08:50
This is the second of three posts from my new book Riptide.
Boomers need to understand the nature and magnitude of their mission. The developmental journey through middle age is best explained as a psychological riptide, complex and confusing currents that undo so much of the success of the first half of life. From the perspective of young adulthood, middle age doesn’t seem so bad. Boomers are a confident, can do generation; they have navigated complex social transitions in the past. Middle age appears to be no different. Even the first encounter of actually being middle age gives no clue as to it true nature, something Linda soon discovered. But once the impact of the riptide begin to surface, it quickly becomes clear that a fundamental and irreversible shift in the tenor and direction of life has occurred. Equally concerning, this shift brings with it a new level of complexity and ambiguity that starts to dissolve boomer’s quality of life.
This psychological riptide of middle age is comprised of two developmental tasks, the primary mission of middle age. Together these two currents produce a turbulence that can quickly knock boomers off balance in unexpected and devastating ways. It is a non-linear turmoil that is characterized by clusters of problems and conflicts that defy quick fixes or easy solutions. As boomers start to experience the impact of these currents on their lives, they discover that it will take a deliberate and sustained effort on their part to head off a poor outcome.
Primary Current Number One: External Forces
The external currents of the riptide arrive in clusters, picking up intensity and depth as boomers move from fifty-something to sixty-something. They strike at the heart of the boomer’s family system and set into motion a new set of experiences that are foreign to the first half of life. Taking center stage in this transition drama is death.
A death in the family signals an irreversible change in the life’s DNA for boomers. While it is usually a parent or an older aunt or uncle, it can also be a sibling, friend, or colleague. Even if the death is intellectually expected, it nevertheless ignites a chronic mortality crisis, not just about important older adults who are at risk for dying, but for boomers themselves who feel disturbingly vulnerable. Part of this is the loss of bigger than life figures from childhood that are suddenly brought back to earth and pass away. And part of it is simply a wake up call that life after fifty ushers in a new set of rules about who survives and who doesn’t. It also signals that the rules of illness have also changed.
Illness takes on a different look in middle age even if it is not life threatening. Chronic disease emerges as a dominant theme, health problems that show up and refuse to go away. Hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, and joint disease bring with them the need for new medications and ongoing medical care. By contrast, the illnesses of the first half of life tend to be self-limited pathologies that have a distinct recovery and conclusion. The invasion of chronic illness creates complex and unpredictable problems for both boomers and their family systems. The increasing burden of “affording” health care costs, the need to “second guess” health care decisions, and the realization that these issues are here to stay extract a heavy toll on the quality of life. Then there is the issue of aging parents.
Middle age brings boomers come face to face with the reality of aging parents. Even if their parents are fit and independent, boomers experience great apprehension over what lies ahead. Part of this stress is structural. The communal world of their grandparents has been replaced by post-WW II dispersed society that is in constant motion. Long-distance care giving is becoming the norm. Part of the stress is capacity. Boomers live complex lives with great transaction density. Their overbooked lifestyle leaves little capacity for the complex and escalating needs of their aging parents. Any number of the “predictable dilemmas of aging” can send the entire family into a tailspin. This includes the loss of a spouse, a change in health, or a financial setback.
Added to this is the volatile nature of family systems. As Dan discovered with his brother, siblings have their own opinions about what role they should play with their aging parents. When conflict ensues, the wide reach of one family system into another expands the impact of an already stressful situation. But aging parents are one half of the generational sandwich boomers must navigate. The other half is their children.
Like their parents, children of boomers are in constant motion. This holds true for those who are still living at home, have returned home, or are living on their own. This motion reflects the new economic reality that children of boomers face in a “global economy.” The upward trajectory potential of their parents has been greatly attenuated. Boomers provide their children with a more elaborate support system to weather change, set backs, and failed relationships than previous generations. The upheaval of dreams is not limited to boomer children. It also takes center stage in the careers of middle age adults.
Boomers have lived through the transformation of the world economy. While it has brought prosperity, globalization has also triggered a deep sense of instability in the work force. Linda’s husband saw first hand the impact of the sale of his company on his colleagues. It was painful, and it was frightening. For those who were ready to retire, it became a timely exit strategy. But for most of his boomer colleagues who still needed to work, it spelled career disaster. The financial losses of being laid off were compounded by the reality that a replacement job of equal quality was unlikely. The financial stress of career displacement takes its highest toll on long standing relationships that can easily crumble on the strain of a financial meltdown.
Boomers have lived through the transformation of marriage in American culture. The “right” to leave a dysfunctional relationship has replaced the taboo of divorce. As the external currents extract their toll on long standing marriages, many simply fold or die in place under the pressure. Children moving out the house, retirement, and financial problems can trigger a marriage crisis that has been simmering for years. It can also quickly lead to divorce.
Divorce also paves the way to remarriage. Reconfigured family systems, many times with both middle age adults having children from previous marriages, can add a new burden to boomers. Cross-family events like holidays, birth of grandchildren, and the death of relatives test the ability of the new system to survive these events.
Given the magnitude and diversity of the external currents, it is not surprising to discover that the one of the two primary developmental tasks of middle age is to “maintain stability in a world of increasing personal volatility.” This was the first lesson that Linda discovered about middle age; she saw her life become unstable before her eyes. She also knew in her heart this was not a temporary set back. The landscape of her life was undergoing a fundamental change. Boomers quickly realize that the external currents of middle age are darker, less forgiving, and a harbinger of what lies ahead. Like other boomers caught up in the riptide, Linda felt personally vulnerable. And like them, she was looking for ways to regain stability for herself and her family.
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
Hi David
Excellent article. You may be interested in the article Bill posted today about the pain and vulnerability he experienced while we were caregiving for Dad and afterward.
http://www.desperatecaregivers.com/the-pain-of-caregiving
Keep up the great work!
Carol
Inside Aging Parent Care