The real work of families is recovery. In the volatile landscape of family systems, everything is exaggerated, both good and bad. One of the predictable “bad” events in the drama of aging parents is sibling infighting. It can be triggered by anything, but it is mostly about money, power, and affection. Once provoked, it extracts an emotional toll on the entire system that resists recovery. Here is a case in point.

A daughter and her husband step in to help organize and manage her widowed mother’s finances. The goal is financial sustainability. The plan appears to be working until her other siblings, the “local ones” who live close to her mother, intervene with their own advice and unspoken needs. Her mother is torn between competing children. In the end, she opts to relinquish control of her finances to the “local” siblings. Affection gives way to betrayal, and the siblings splinter.

As in Shakespeare, winners and losers never stay put. The local siblings’ victory proves short lived. Financial stability quickly unwinds and an urgent plea goes out to the rejected daughter for advice and, of course, money. “What are you going to do?” her husband asks. Indeed, now what?

Justice in families is tricky business. The rejected daughter was understandably angry and wanted justice. She refused her siblings’ request for more money, and for all practical purposes, went incommunicado with the rest of the family. Then she waited.

Nothing. No apology. No request for forgiveness. Her mother and the other siblings continued to smolder in their financial crisis, and then things got worse.

Her mother fell ill. The rejected daughter hesitated by finally flew home. It was worse than she thought. No one was capable of managing the situation. Money, hygiene, and morale were all about to run out. The rejected daughter was angry all over again that the an even bigger mess had been dumped in her lap. You?re the court of last resort her husband advises, the last lap available in the family. Step in or step out. Either way, I support your decision.

Being right is easy, but not a strategy for healing families. The rejected daughter opted to step in, not alone and not without conditions, but she did step in. A geriatric case manager was hired, money was managed through local trust company, and her mother was moved into an assisted living community. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t without confrontations, harsh words, and strict boundaries. But a fatal mess was reversed.

It turns out that recovery is not about happiness; it is about unmerited actions that families need, again and again to regain their balance and move on. In this case, it was about forgiveness, courage, self-sacrifice, and honoring an aging parent. And for this family, it came not a moment too soon…

2 Comments

1.   Patricia   |  Wednesday, 21 October 2009 at 9:41 am

   I am glad to have found this topic, because I am experiencing the same situation with my parents, who live with me. My siblings are disrespectful and not helpful at all.

   I am lucky that they are both healthy right now, but my siblings (both older) stir up a lot of trouble, largely due to unresolved conflicts and rivalry between us. They have always resented me and now, they tell my parents negative things about me, which my parents believe (my parents once said negative things about them to me, but I would change the subject; my siblings don’t have the same willingness, respect or ability to do the same). We aren’t speaking and I doubt we will. Reading this gives me hope that I can steer the situation in a better direction.

   
2.   deborah Oconnor   |  Tuesday, 27 October 2009 at 4:28 pm

   I think a lot of parents can do things on there
   own instead of depending of their children. They
   never took the RIDE because so many family members
   would change their plans. I love to help my
   parents out but I would much rather try soooooo\
   much to do things on my own for my husband. I feel
   it is my childrens time right now. I think that
   the older generation depends so much on their
   children. Dont get me wrong, but I do think that
   generation lived for their children so I must not
   understand. I have been married for 35 years and
   depended on no one. maybe I am more selfish than
   I admit. I just hope as I grow older with my husband
   I would try to do it on our own. I hope I would
   take the ride to go placed. I would walk to the
   hairdresser up the steet. I would take a small time of the day to organize the house. Am I living
   in a fantasy world. let me know