Posts Tagged ‘coping’

The drama of our aging parents takes place in an emotional landscape, an environment that can overwhelm us without warning or apparent logic. We seem to be bobbing corks on an angry ocean of feelings that ambush us time and again. No matter how composed we appear to be to the world, most of us wind up with what I term “emotional habits.”

Emotional habits are habits that follow the emotional upheaval of our interactions with our aging parents. We tell ourselves we are going to be calm, objective, and detached only to abandon these habits within the first few minutes of struggling with them over even the most trivial matters. Why?

Part of the answer lies in the magnitude and source of the emotional energy that punctuates every aspect of the drama of our aging parents. It is helpful to step back and consider two these sources:

1. Childhood Adult children are not neutral players in the aging parents drama; they are forever the children of aging parents. They carry with them a wide range of emotions about their parents, all of them intense and complex. This is why it is so easy for them to feel panicked, angry and guilty at the same time. They are not just trying to care for their aging parents; they are tying to fulfill unspoken obligations that are unique to their childhood experiences and, even more painfully, ones only they truly understand.

2. Family Adult children are not isolated players in the aging parents drama; they are forever part of an extend family system that includes brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all the people they married. Adult children have many sets of eyes watching their caregiving efforts and all having opinions about it. So they wind up, consciously or unconsciously, frantically seeking layers of approval for contradictory and biased points of view that only escalates their emotional insecurities to unbearable levels.

Now what?

The first step is the gain an accurate perspective on the big picture. Most adult children are at an emotional disadvantage in working with their aging parents. This limits their objectivity, exaggerates their responsibilities, and increases the emotional vulnerability. Understandably, it makes them the primary target of their parent’s anger about in the “slings and arrows” of being old.

The second step is to gain an accurate perspective on the small picture. While adult children can not recast or ignore the emotional landscape the drama of aging parents, they can cut it down to size. While the complexity of the issues all beg a thousand things to worry about and to solve, the allocation unit of the journey is one day at a time. This should be the dominating insight that all adult children ask remember when they feel the pull of emotional habits. Here is the question they should ask themselves, over and over again: What is possible today?

Within this context, a number of important insights begin to surface:

1. I am in this for the long run and I need to make sure I am doing the things I need to do for myself that support the long run. Maybe this is just thirty minutes for a cup of coffee and the paper. Maybe this is a phone call to a “nutritious friend” who just listens. Maybe this is a surprising “no” when everyone expects you to say yes. Maybe this is a heart felt prayer that makes it clear you cannot do this alone. Within the day, you need long run moments that help you stay in the game.

2. I am doing the best I can do today with what I have. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will all arrive on schedule. But the allocation unit is one day. Only a few things will get done. Only a few calls will be made. Only a few needs will be met. Everything else will float into the future. No one can or should do more. Give it your best, engage in some long run moments, and see what tomorrow brings.

The goal is not to eradicate emotional habits; they are part and parcel of the drama of aging parents. The goal is to recognize them, resize them, and with patience and practice attenuate their impact.

I receive a steady stream of emails from adult children who are trying to work with angry older parents. In most cases, these caregivers are trying to find the best solution to a difficult situation(little or no planning, last minute complications, minimal resources, limited choices, no support system, etc.). Below is a response I recently sent to caregiver who stated “my mom hates me.”

Unfortunately, our aging parents may reject our attempts to be of help. In most cases it represents profound anger at their situation as well as their caregivers. Their outward displeasure and verbal affronts are the few tools they have left to exert control on their environment. When all else fails, control the caregiver with anger. It creates a miserable environment for everyone. You are hoping she will find some “happiness” and she is letting you know this is not going to happen and, more importantly, how angry she is at her situation and especially you. Now what?

You need to consider the boundaries of what you are trying to accomplish. Aging is a messy process and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things turn our poorly. It might help to tell your mother that you are doing “the best you can do” given the situation. She can choose to be angry, mean, and hateful. But it won’t change the situation or the opportunity you two have to work together. You don’t have the power to turn back the clock, make money appear, or correct all of the wrongs in her life. Your just trying to do the best you can to give her dignity and choices. No matter how angry she gets at her situation, the problems of being older won’t disappear. In fact, they get more complicated. The only thing that helps is working together to find the best choices.

Don’t expect your mother to jump up and hug you, apologize for her spiteful comments, and be a different person. But stay on script in a gentle and firm voice. Think of it as a campaign that you need to orchestrate over the next three months. Be compassionate, but stay on message and keep your words consistent.

Maybe you mother will not change her mind. If not, you at least are giving her a clear signal about what you can and cannot do. It returns a modicum of sanity to your world. Maybe she will tone down the anger part of the time, a small but significant reprieve. And maybe, just maybe, she may see the occasion to talk about her feelings and “test” how it feels to work together.

We don’t. Older adults see where they live as the Alamo and will make their last stand defending it. We advance with logic, manipulations, and threats and they use any means at their disposal to repel us. Here’s why.

1. The place they call home is usually the last spot on earth they control and for them, control is everything in a world where all control is being taken away. They know that once they lose what they call home the “endgame” begins with no going back.

2. Older adults fear the loss of independence and nursing homes more than death. This is a telling finding from a recent study called “Aging in Place in America” commissioned by Clarity® and The EAR Foundation which examines attitudes of older adults and boomers on aging and independence (you can see a summary of the study at Aging in Place).

Most of us are compelled by our concerns over real or potential safety issues to get them to move. We are hoping at some point they will finally agree with us. In most cases, they never do. They may ultimately acquiesce to our pressure, but they are more than willing to “hold position” until events “force” a change. This makes us crazy because we can see it coming and are at a loss to understand why they remain blind to threat. What happens if they fall or have a stroke? But they don’t see it that way. They look at the same facts and come up with a different interpretation of the risk. Here is what they see.

They see their home as the best place to be especially if events take a turn for the worst. They aren’t blind to what is coming. In fact many older adults admit to “wondering” what’s going to get them in the end. The question isn’t “if” or “when;” the question for most older adults is “where.” They also know that once the fall, the stroke, or the heart attack happens they will most likely lose the place they call home. Yet when they weigh all these options, they usually chose to stay put.

So where does that leave their adult children? Mostly waiting. Waiting to see what happens. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for a turn of events. For a population that is accustomed to taking action, getting things done, it is a frustrating and stressful role. But it also provides an important lesson about how both parties define success at the end of life.

We define success with our aging parents in part on our management skills. Can we keep everything together? Can we avoid a predictable disaster, complication, or setback? We are determined, stressed, and deep in our heart, afraid.

Our aging parents define success in part on preserving what they know will soon be lost. Their home. Their health. Their family. Their friends. Their mobility. Their finances. Their spouse. Having any of these another day is invaluable victory in the final phase of life.

So it becomes a dance between preservers and managers who both deeply care about each other even if they can’t always show it. It is two generations with two different agendas with different needs, hopes, and fears forming an awkward but essential partnership to navigate the unthinkable.

In the end it is not about getting them to move but rather helping them to get ready to move whenever the occasion presents itself. It is about helping them preserve the final independence, control, and hope for one more “good” day until its time to move on to something else.