Posts Tagged ‘David Solie’
Last Updated on Monday, 19 December 2011 03:23 Written by David Solie Monday, 19 December 2011 03:23
It’s one thing to have a decent connection to our aging parents. We may not be close, but we still feel compelled by love and loyalty to come along side them in the in last years of their lives. But what if we have a bad connection from all those things that poison the parent-child partnership? This can be anything from irreconcilable personalities to abuse and neglect. Are we beholding to step back in or is it better to call it day?
To be clear, many “disconnected” adult children don’t step back in. For them, there is no going back. The outside world may judge them harshly, but it matters not. I have a friend who walked away from his family at an early age, and refused the urgent call in his fifties to reconcile with his dying mother.
Cold hearted? Depends on whose reality you choose to inhabit. In an unusual moment of transparency, he shared with me his childhood trauma. It was raw and left me distressed. He broke away in his mid-teens and never went back. Understandably, he spent many non-linear years trying to outrun his demons and scars, but finally, with help, righted his thinking and his life into a stable success story. Then he got the call.
His mother was dying. She wanted to see him. He refused. “I barely survive her once,” he told me. “I can’t take a second round.” And he didn’t. Her deathbed request went unanswered. His family condemned him. He has no apparent regrets.
But others change their minds. Unlike my friend, they see an opening that allows them to return and lend a hand. Some find their ability to forgive is big enough for both parties. Some find an all too familiar disappointment they recognize from their childhood. I think all of them hope for some form of a better ending for their story about their earthly parents. And that, I think, is the key to those who return and those who won’t.
At some point in the parent-child disconnect, you decide its time to let it be. It’s over and probably for the better. That point may be death, but for many, it comes much earlier in the saga. These early adopters resign their affiliation and call it a day. It’s not a case of good or bad, but what is necessary given the players and the circumstances of the family drama. Those who leave but don’t disinherit their family keep the door open for some form of reconsideration. What is important for adult children is to recognize that both choices get the job done. Bad connections are one of life’s nasty dilemmas, leaving all parties unsure of what to say, do, or expect. In the end, we all wind up doing our best, as we understand it. Nothing more. Nothing less. Accepting that, proves to be another matter…
Tags: adult children, aging parents, Aging Parents Insights, anger seniors, Caring for aging parents, communication breakdown, David Solie, David Solie's blog, disinherited, end of life, How To Say It To Seniors, power struggles with aging parents, seniors, the stress of caring for aging parents | Posted under Aging Parents | 1 Comment
Last Updated on Friday, 25 November 2011 03:18 Written by David Solie Tuesday, 4 October 2011 07:20
We neither get better or worse as we get older,
but more like ourselves…Robert Anthony
The boomers are landing on the shore of old age at a rate of 12,000 a day. While turning 65 is officially classified as “young-old,” there is little doubt this is a quantum shift in the boomer lifecycle. As important, this transition is not just leaving behind middle age bodies; it is also about leaving behind middle age psychology. The developmental tasks of fifty-something are being replaced by the tasks of seventy-something. Adding to the complexity of this transition is the persistent turbulence of post-meltdown world. Now what?
What would be helpful at this juncture is a simple way for boomers to assess personal stability, a tool that could provide them with:
1. An overview of the status of key personal resources
2. Feedback about strengths and deficiencies
3. Insights to set realistic expectations and goals
I have created a new self-inventory questionnaire that does this called “The Stability Survey?.”
The Stability Survey? is a yes-no questionnaire that provides a snapshot of boomer transition assets. There are no right or wrong answers or scoring, just a “holding its own” (stable) or “not doing so well” (unstable) assessment of six broad sectors that impact both quality of life and optimal aging.
Here are the six survey questions:
How is your health?
How is your family?
How are your friends?
How is your career?
How are your dreams?
How are your finances?
Here are some of the implications of the answers for each sector:
Health Status
Stable health usually means no medical issues or medical issues that are under control. Unstable health usually means emerging medical issues or existing medical issues that are either drifting or officially out of control.
Family Status
Stable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are under control. Unstable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are either drifting or officially out of control
Friends Status
Stable friends usually means close friends who provide comfort and support. Unstable friends usually means issues with close friends that are undermining comfort and support
Career Status
Stable career usually means implementation of a personal retirement plan including post-retirement work. Unstable career usually means unresolved work issues or unsatisfactory retirement planning.
Dream Status
Stable dreams usually means the emergence and pursuit of longstanding or new passions, interests, callings, or pursuits. Unstable dreams usually means the loss of deeply personal dreams or the belief they are attainable.
Financial Status
Stable finances usually means implementation of a pre or post personal financial plan Unstable finances usually means unresolved financial issues or unsatisfactory financial planning.
The Stability Survey? is both a look back at where boomers have been and a look forward to the mission that lay ahead. In developmental terms, it shows which transition assets are in alignment with the tasks of the final phase of life: control and legacy. Conversely, it quickly highlights which of the six resources could potentially undermine them. This “big picture” view at the gateway to the next twenty and possibly thirty years could prove invaluable to boomers who are searching for clarity and direction to help them preserve quality of life as well as promote optimal aging.
Tags: aging boomers, baby boomers, boomer, David Solie, middle age, old age, retirement, retirement planning, The Stability Survey, turning 65 | Posted under Boomers | No Comments
Last Updated on Friday, 25 November 2011 03:21 Written by David Solie Monday, 4 July 2011 08:32
This deeply moving article by Linda Kriger was published in 2008: http://www.forward.com/articles/14255/
I have read and reread this tale of estrangement, bitterness, regret, and the search for “repair” because I heard endless versions of it from friends, colleagues, clients, and audience members. I also lived it.
Below is the “comment” I posted to article’s website when I first read it in 2008. In the three years since I wote this, my opinion of my father has “expanded.” Much to my surprise, I have found a window into his suffering. This has given me new empathy for the gap between his dreams and where life finally took him.
Thank you for giving a voice to the bitter outcome many adult children experience with their aging parents before they pass away. We wish it were different but history and personalities bring the drama to its only logical conclusion. But was you pointed out, the death of the parent hardly ends the trauma of such a “poor outcome.” My father and I parted on similar terms, incommunicado and mutually sorry about our biological connection. As Joyce reminds us in The Dead, the departed usually prove more formidable after their gone. My father was not exception. I have danced for years with the guilt, anger, and loneliness of the events surrounding his death. The fact that our relationship was never right from the beginning is no comfort. Even his blatant failings, alcoholism, violence, and a perverse perfectionism are not enough for me to bid him a final and much needed adieu. Instead, my post-death relationship with has all the qualities of emotional quicksand. I scheme, struggle, and sink deeper into complexity. Like you, I find myself circling the issue of forgiveness but never getting it to stick. I think having a life with next to zero nurturing from him, it’s proving next to impossible to find the emotional release I need. This is why your story struck such a deep chord. Lastly, I don’t think it is either smarmy (wonderful word) or too late in the game to want relief. But I also think that these bitter ending are essentially Greek in nature, tragedies of accommodation not assimilation. They are familial dramas that leaves us with the task of orchestrating a “survivor’s compromise” that allows them to be who they need to be and finally gone.
Tags: aging parents, boundaries elderly difficult communication, Caring for aging parents, communication conflicts with aging parents, communication struggles, David Solie, death of parent, guilt, Linda Kriger, Nursing homes, old age, on aging, regret, Seeking Forgives, the elderly | Posted under Aging Parents | No Comments
Last Updated on Friday, 25 November 2011 03:23 Written by David Solie Wednesday, 25 May 2011 05:27
As the drama of aging parents unfolds, it reveals itself as layers of interconnected dilemmas that resist heroic attempts to keep everything together. Like an unruly Rubik’s Cube, alignment in one caregiver area seems to trigger chaos in another. Just when driving issues calm down, sibling conflict erupts over money. Just when housing accommodations get better, a parent falls and winds up in the hospital. In the face of this steady stream of dilemmas, the natural instinct is to work harder in search of the illusive strategic mix that will stabilize this disruptive phenomenon. Ironically, upping the work ethic on dilemmas only seems to give birth to new ones, a sorcerer’s apprentice law of dilemma management that runs caregivers ragged. What can make this reality of caregiving better?
Thinking won’t help. The brain buzz of dilemmas is a closed loop swamp of internal dialogues, an emotional rabbit hole of endless backward (repair the past) and forward (control the future) conversations. Caregivers wind up thinking themselves into stress filled knots that make navigation worse.
Putting thinking in its proper place does help. Finding a respite from the brain buzz, a space between the riptides of competing conversations, offers caregivers reprieve, repair, and rejuvenation. Fortunately, the technique for creating this healing space is being used in healthcare to manage other dilemma-riddled life events including chronic illness, depression, substance abuse, and heart disease. This clinically proven approach is called mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), a secular form of meditation (see this link for a quick summary of the technique Mindfulness Meditation)
The approach is straightforward and accessible to anyone at any time. All it requires is that the caregiver learn how to pay attention “on purpose” to moment-to-moment events in the present. The practice (operative word “practice”) of staying focused on the present creates a space from never-ending brain buzz. This elegant form of compassionate detachment from thoughts and emotions offers caregivers a new perspective from which to observe their dilemmas as well as their habitual patterns of behavior of managing them. All of this is done within the context of kindness, compassion, non-judgment, patience, acceptance, and trust.
Like other healthy habits, regular use of MBSR can have a positive impact on the caregiver well being. It can reduce the stress, anxiety, and depression. For caregivers who want to learn more about MBSR, Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book entitled Full Catastrophe Living is an excellent resource. He is the founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, is perhaps the best-known proponent of using meditation to help patients deal with illness. His book is a terrific introduction for anyone who has considered meditating but was afraid it would be too difficult or would include religious practices they found foreign. Kabat-Zinn focuses on “mindfulness,” a concept that involves living in the moment, paying attention, and simply “being” rather than “doing (see this link to find more about the book Full Catastrophe Living)
Tags: aging parents, caregiver, caregiver depression, caregiver stress, caregiver support, caregivers, Caregiving Websites, communicating with aging parents, communicating with elders, communicating with seniors, David Solie, How To Say It To Seniors, long term care, mindful meditation, mindfulness, Nursing homes, old age, on aging, sandwich generation, the elderly | Posted under Aging Parents | No Comments
