In most cases, our aging parents passed on when we well on our way in middle age. With each loss, our world became more sober as the reality of being “next” in line collided with the world of sixty-something. But a new emotional tipping point in the drama of being older occurred with the unexpected death of the first cousin.

It’s not that we hadn’t experienced the loss of peers in childhood or as young adults. And then after fifty, the news of friends, friends of friends, and people we simply knew about being suddenly gone began occurring with a prophetic regularity. While it was disorienting and disturbing, it initially spared our family network of adult children. But when the first cousin of the surviving herd died at sixty-something, all that changed.

While it was a single loss, we knew it was a cautionary tale about our generational position and predicament. Despite the density of our modern lives, we could no longer afford to ignore this new vulnerability, a realization that haunted our awareness. We knew we were never going to reclaim the frequency or closeness of childhood. That was another life that had served us well, but was gone. We also know that the meaning and import of our early years now took on legacy proportions with the threatened loss of its primary players. We felt compelled to undertake a “cousin audit” of the history that defined so much of our early family life.

We spoke out loud about what meant the most to us and why. We disagreed about chronology but respected personal importance. We confessed our bias, preferences, blind spots, selective memory and the out and out rewriting of history. But most of all we saw, from the end of middle age, how complicated life was for our parents, like it or not. We didn’t gloss over the unsavory and pathological events we would have gladly avoided, but the easy assessments of “they could have done better” lost its steam. Life turned out to be hard for everyone, including us.

What would be helpful at this juncture is a simple way for boomers to assess personal stability, a tool that could provide them with:

1. An overview of the status of key personal resources
2. Feedback about strengths and deficiencies
3. Insights to set realistic expectations and goals

I have created a new self-inventory questionnaire that does this called “The Stability Survey?.”

The Stability Survey? is a yes-no questionnaire that provides a snapshot of boomer transition assets. There are no right or wrong answers or scoring, just a “holding its own” (stable) or “not doing so well” (unstable) assessment of six broad sectors that impact both quality of life and optimal aging.

Here are the six survey questions:

How is your health?
How is your family?
How are your friends?
How is your career?
How are your dreams?
How are your finances?

Here are some of the implications of the answers for each sector:

Health Status
Stable health usually means no medical issues or medical issues that are under control. Unstable health usually means emerging medical issues or existing medical issues that are either drifting or officially out of control.

Family Status
Stable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are under control. Unstable family usually means normal or abnormal family issues that are either drifting or officially out of control

Friends Status
Stable friends usually means close friends who provide comfort and support. Unstable friends usually means issues with close friends that are undermining comfort and support

Career Status
Stable career usually means implementation of a personal retirement plan including post-retirement work. Unstable career usually means unresolved work issues or unsatisfactory retirement planning.

Dream Status
Stable dreams usually means the emergence and pursuit of longstanding or new passions, interests, callings, or pursuits. Unstable dreams usually means the loss of deeply personal dreams or the belief they are attainable.

Financial Status
Stable finances usually means implementation of a pre or post personal financial plan Unstable finances usually means unresolved financial issues or unsatisfactory financial planning.

The Stability Survey? is both a look back at where boomers have been and a look forward to the mission that lay ahead. In developmental terms, it shows which transition assets are in alignment with the tasks of the final phase of life: control and legacy. Conversely, it quickly highlights which of the six resources could potentially undermine them. This “big picture” view at the gateway to the next twenty and possibly thirty years could prove invaluable to boomers who are searching for clarity and direction to help them preserve quality of life as well as promote optimal aging.

Blame it on the parents of boomers who wanted their post-war children to have a better future. Their good intentions ushered in the first child-centric society in US history. But what seemed magical on the parenting drawing board wound up replacing the group-centric ethos of the “greatest generation” with a new, self-centric ethos, a societal sea change that only intensified as it cascaded into succeeding generations.

This unprecedented magnification of self is proving difficult to shed in the passage through middle age fraught with financial setbacks, chronic health problems, and an overall generational distaste for being old. The boomer version of generativity is turning out to be a movement from “me” to “more me.” What does this mean?

Sadly, self-magnification rarely self-corrects. The societal narcissism introduced by boomers has become a full epidemic of self-magnification in succeeding generations, a perfect co-dependency between new technologies and child-devoted parenting. It is a shift in societal DNA that bodes poorly for boomers on a number of fronts:

1. Personal Health Over focus on self is a form of magical thinking. It assumes “just in time” interventions from the outside to save the day, which has been true for most of the boomer’s generational trek. Schools were built, jobs appeared, and opportunity flowed freely decade after decade. But health ultimately is the product of internal accountability, lifestyle, “health habits” that prove to be destiny. In this regard, boomers are self-centric consumers waiting for the illusive intervention of modern medicine to save them from unhealthy habits. Yet all the tests, procedures, and medications offered by the US healthcare system cannot override poor lifestyle choices, and they haven’t. The only rescue from poor health and its symbiotic twin bankruptcy is self-rescue. Ironically, medicine has known this for decades but has taken a different path. It seems doubtful that the boomers will recognize or accept this inner truth about accountability before time runs out.

2. Generational Mentoring Over focus on self sees old age as the worst of all possible outcomes. Not surprising, magical thinking is once again the boomer storyline as they bet the farm on anti-aging products and procedures to delay the dreaded “looking old,” a slight of hand trick that allows sixty-five to be declared the new forty-five. In this model that sees aging as disease, elders fade from society’s vernacular, and with it the loss of a historically stabilizing force in families and society. The traditional elder role of compassion, patience, and big picture wisdom is replaced by anxious sixty-something adults whose attempts to fend off being old only become more and more exaggerated.

3. Philanthropic Empathy Over focus on self trumps empathy for others leaving “someone else” to take care society’s problems. The sheer complexity of being middle age, up to your neck in debt, poorly positioned for an expensive longevity, and slipping into declining health leaves little emotional bandwidth for society’s “greater” needs that seem to be everywhere. Ironically, the largest generation of fifty year olds in the history of the world may wind up being the most costly in terms of social burden while being the least philanthropic.

Shakespeare noted that “past is prologue” but not all boomers are stuck in this self-magnified approach to the second half of life. They have taken the lifestyle path less traveled, high on accountability with careful attention to health habits. But the majority of boomers are at risk. Certainly late-onset course corrections are possible even against the stiff currents of self-magnification. But minus the support of a group-centric ethos, sustainable changes require a rare epiphany and determination to accept what needs to be done and then find a way to “just do it.”

While aging is inevitable, arriving at a healthy perspective about its meaning and potential is not. In our youth-oriented culture, middle age more often than not is portrayed as embarrassing stage of life that is in desperate need of enhancements to stave off the signs of being older. But Botox® and hair transplants can not hold the line forever and at some point thoughts and feelings about aging have to be sorted out at a deeper level, a realty check on what it really means to be older. The outcome of this “aging moment of truth” will have a profound influence on the quality of life for middle age adults. It will either reframe the journey as a continuation of growth and learning filled with unique potential, or see a darker landscape riddled with loss, regret, and limitations. This vantage point from which baby boomers will judge the aging process is called perspective.

Perspective provides a “filter” through which life experiences are assessed, organized, and ultimately judged. Youth has its own filter typified by an optimism found in the first half of life that keeps the metaphoric glass half full. It is a perspective that always sees another opportunity, another deal, or a fresh start that is not limited by health, family, or time. The first half perspective quickly converts setbacks into opportunities based on an unshakeable faith in the magnitude of possibilities that lie ahead. Middle age changes the filter.

Ushering in an era of external and internal upheavals, middle age introduces a different reality that undermines the sustainability of earlier optimism. What appeared unlimited now has restrictions and complications. The unspoken and yet pervasive cultural shame that sees aging as pathology leaves middle age adults holding a glass that is suddenly half empty. In this new environment, the first half perspective can undergo a rapid deterioration leading baby boomers to buy into a more cynical future. Without reframing, this is the anticipatory reality they are stuck with to manage being older. Ironically, this cultural anxiety about aging has no basis in biology or psychology. Growth and learning do not wane in middle age, and creative capacity is at an all time high. But the media’s slight of hand trick that obsesses over youth as the ultimate consumer class delivers a convincing message about the downhill trajectory of the second half of life. This dysfunctional perspective is a trap for middle age adults pointing them developmentally backwards to a phase that is over while distracting and devaluing the rich and immediate next phase on which so much is riding. Avoiding this unhealthy entrapment requires a different type of inquiry into being older. We call this inquiry The Perspective Inventory™.

As a reframing tool, The Perspective Inventory™ allows middle age adults to “test” the critical questions that ask themselves and others about the aging process. As Dr. Marilee Adams succinctly argues in her book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, questions are the raw material of how individuals size up themselves and their world. They are the building blocks of perspective, the framing tools that either discover hope and opportunity or perpetuate endless cycles of conflict and despair. From a developmental perspective, questions are an ideal vehicle to examine and change concepts. They have the right linguistic packaging to emotionally override long-standing beliefs. They are receptive to the right brain, which has proven to be the informational gatekeeper for middle age and beyond. They are also emotionally generative and as such quickly alter cognition and change behavior. But the benefit of The Perspective Inventory™ is not simply to arrive at a better set of questions about being older, as valuable as they may be. The Perspective Inventory™ offers baby boomers a way to build a new filtering ritual so they can habitually reframe the experiences of aging to facilitate their developmental journey.

First and foremost The Perspective Inventory™ is an inquiry tool. It is allows middle age adults to organize and evaluate the quality of the questions they ask about the aging. It is based Dr. Adams’ premise that most people simply adopt a “questions style” without giving much thought to the impact it has on quality of their lives. Once internalized, these core questions become the ingrained filter for looking at people and experiences. With middle age, the impact question style intensifies in either a positive or negative way. Negative questions such as “Who’s to blame?” and “How can I prove I am right?” extract a heavy price on individuals and family systems. They negate prior success, shut down communication, and close off avenues of collaboration and growth. Even more concerning, they have the lethal potential to undermine confidence at a time in life where confidence is already in jeopardy. In contrast, aging friendly questions such as “What’s useful about this?” and “What’s possible?” lighten the emotional load on everyone. Not only do they facilitate communication but open up new channels of creativity, possibility, and growth. They help restore confidence and optimism to individuals and family systems.

The Perspective Inventory™ is also valuable resource for baby boomers as they engage the predictable dilemmas of their aging parents, experiences and situations that can leave both parties feeling frustrated, guilty, and anxious. Reframing questions surrounding the monumental family tasks of determining the right health care, sorting out living options, coping with the death of a spouse, untangling financial decisions, and coming to grips with the final goodbye can create a more effective and nurturing perspective. Developmentally tuned questions such as “what are the control issues here?” and “what other ways to look at this situation?” can help middle age adults keep their bearings in the midst of an emotional family landscape.

Finally, The Perspective Inventory™ reminds middle age adults that they can make positive alterations in the second half of life; they can opt for a radically different approach from the one they used in the first half. Moving into the upheaval of middle age asks two primary developmental questions:

1. How am I going to manage all this?
2. What is it I really want?

Successfully addressing these questions requires a perspective that is both personal and collective, is about self-fulfillment that is wrapped in a nurturing community of meaningful relationships. This is the heart of the need for authenticity. It is about finding personal clarity and not simply searching for another twenty years of approval or more of the same. For baby boomers that understand this potential, it comes as a welcome relief and an extraordinary opportunity to leverage their experience and education into an unlimited universe of choices and possibilities.

Primary Current Number Two: Internal Forces

While the external currents of the middle age challenge the capacity of boomers to handle complex and unpredictable life events, internal currents usher in an existential house cleaning that questions the purpose and meaning of the second half of life. Ironically, this involuntary reconsideration of the future comes at a time when so much has already been accomplished. But while boomer successes are a testimony to the faithful completion of the first-half life mission, they inadvertently lead to a developmental dilemma about what is to follow.

The mission of the first half of life is the steady pursuit of accomplishments, a long and noble list of all consuming life goals that are intense, quick paced, and well defined. Entering the first half of life stadium, young adults hear the cultural cheer of the rest of society encouraging them to on to greater accomplishments that include:

Growing up and taking their role in adult society
Getting an education as a prelude to a meaningful career
Finding a life partner to create a new family unit
Finding the right career to become successful
Starting a family to usher in the next generation of children and grandchildren
Becoming successful as a means to a secure future

As young adults immerse themselves in the first half of life journey, these goals are repeated at every turn in the questions they hear from family members, colleagues, and society as a whole. Did you get that apartment? Are you going to graduate school? Are things getting serious between you and her? Did you get that promotion? Are you two thinking about starting a family? Are you going to buy that house? The litany of goal-crafted questions offers definition, structure and much needed encouragement. The purpose and direction of the mission is never in question. But surprisingly and with little fanfare, the mission begins to change just at the point when so much has been done.

The second half of life journey does not share the same sociological advantage or clarity as the first half. Entering the second half of life stadium, boomers are surprised at how small the crowd has become and that it is surprisingly silent. Even more concerning is that the laundry list of first half goals has not been replaced by an equally compelling list of second half goals. In fact, goals have been replaced by social encouragements such as “you look good,” “stay healthy,” and “find something you enjoy.”

This surprising and disturbing loss of sociological scaffolding provokes an existential moment where boomers realize they have permanently moved into the “self-service” zone in terms of discovering their second half mission. While it is obvious that one set of goals is not enough for a lifetime, the question becomes what is the second set? Forced into an involuntary, midlife reinvention, boomers are unprepared to easily define the purpose and direction of the rest of their lives. Despite the unprecedented frenzy of modern life, part of them that feels adrift, eerily disconnected from the social agenda that has kept them on course for most of their adult life. Trying to resolve this dilemma is made more difficult by the tangible and unavoidable shadow of a sobering future. The futures of the past for middle age adults have always been multilayered, ten or twenty year segments that cascaded forward and offered ample “staring over” opportunities. The future of today’s boomers is smaller and time constrained, in most cases being played out before them by their aging parents. It is also less forgiving, with little room for error and or starting over. This time compressed future coincides with boomer’s new appreciation of their mortality.

Life and death is nothing new for boomers. Their generation ushered in a revolutionary social commentary on life and death issues that was markedly different from the generations that preceded them. But all the talk of life and death during the boomer’s youth was at an arms length from the humbling reality of middle age, a difference between discussing an illness and actually being diagnosed with it. Boomers are now living their mortality where the loss of parents, siblings, partners, and peers has created a new and sobering awareness of their own vulnerability. It is an experience that replaces the occasional tragedy of past where people were “gone too soon” with the more common occurrence of friends and family members simply passing away. This changes the urgency of the search for a new set of goals. Second half goals turn out not only to be a necessity for crafting a productive and meaningful life; they represent that last opportunity for most boomers to fulfill life long dreams and ambitions. It is a nagging reality that whispers to boomers, “if not now, when?’

The unsettling disorientation of the internal currents defines the second primary developmental task of middle age, which is to “discover purpose and direction for the second half of life.” This was the second hidden current that Linda did not see coming. Not only did her world become unstable, but also her role in this volatile landscape became unclear. It wasn’t a question of shrinking from her responsibilities; it was trying to determine what really mattered at this turning point in her life for the journey ahead.

These two tasks make up the mission of middle age: preserve stability and orchestrate reinvention. To do this boomers have to discover effective strategies to manage the onslaught of external currents while at the same time find purpose and meaning in their lives.

How do boomers navigate these formidable and intimidating currents? Is it simply the luck of the draw, with some having better outcomes than others? Or are there steps that boomers can take prior or during the riptide that can improve the quality of their journey. This is what Linda wanted to know. What needs to change to make things better? Fortunately there are strategies that improve boomer’s chances for a successful crossing. This is what the remainder of Riptide is about. It is about which navigational tools will help boomers successfully complete the mission of middle age and arrive well-prepared and ready for old age.

Navigation tools are designed to keep travelers on course. This is the goal of Riptide: keeping boomers on course. Understanding the currents of middle age is a critical first step, but knowing the developmental risk of middle age is only half the battle. Learning how to successfully navigate them is what determines outcome. Riptide presents boomers with a small but powerful group of navigational tools that are designed to keep them on course in the face of adversity and setbacks. All travelers will have difficult periods and their needs will change with changes in circumstances. The tools presented in Riptide arm boomers with the resources they need to overcome the challenges of aging. There were selected primarily on their ability to increase stability and facilitate reinvention. It not necessary for boomers to use all of them, only the ones that address their current navigational needs. As important, the themes of tools are familiar, topics boomers have heard from other sources as being important to preserving quality of life. What is different about Riptide is these themes have been reframed in terms of developmental utility, a unique approach that makes them “task friendly” and, as important, offers boomers new motivation to integrate them into their lives. It is an emotional reframing that resonates deeply with boomers offering them encouragement and much needed hope for the difficult stretches ahead.

Boomers need to understand the nature and magnitude of their mission. The developmental journey through middle age is best explained as a psychological riptide, complex and confusing currents that undo so much of the success of the first half of life. From the perspective of young adulthood, middle age doesn’t seem so bad. Boomers are a confident, can do generation; they have navigated complex social transitions in the past. Middle age appears to be no different. Even the first encounter of actually being middle age gives no clue as to it true nature, something Linda soon discovered. But once the impact of the riptide begin to surface, it quickly becomes clear that a fundamental and irreversible shift in the tenor and direction of life has occurred. Equally concerning, this shift brings with it a new level of complexity and ambiguity that starts to dissolve boomer’s quality of life.

This psychological riptide of middle age is comprised of two developmental tasks, the primary mission of middle age. Together these two currents produce a turbulence that can quickly knock boomers off balance in unexpected and devastating ways. It is a non-linear turmoil that is characterized by clusters of problems and conflicts that defy quick fixes or easy solutions. As boomers start to experience the impact of these currents on their lives, they discover that it will take a deliberate and sustained effort on their part to head off a poor outcome.

Primary Current Number One: External Forces

The external currents of the riptide arrive in clusters, picking up intensity and depth as boomers move from fifty-something to sixty-something. They strike at the heart of the boomer’s family system and set into motion a new set of experiences that are foreign to the first half of life. Taking center stage in this transition drama is death.

A death in the family signals an irreversible change in the life’s DNA for boomers. While it is usually a parent or an older aunt or uncle, it can also be a sibling, friend, or colleague. Even if the death is intellectually expected, it nevertheless ignites a chronic mortality crisis, not just about important older adults who are at risk for dying, but for boomers themselves who feel disturbingly vulnerable. Part of this is the loss of bigger than life figures from childhood that are suddenly brought back to earth and pass away. And part of it is simply a wake up call that life after fifty ushers in a new set of rules about who survives and who doesn’t. It also signals that the rules of illness have also changed.

Illness takes on a different look in middle age even if it is not life threatening. Chronic disease emerges as a dominant theme, health problems that show up and refuse to go away. Hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, and joint disease bring with them the need for new medications and ongoing medical care. By contrast, the illnesses of the first half of life tend to be self-limited pathologies that have a distinct recovery and conclusion. The invasion of chronic illness creates complex and unpredictable problems for both boomers and their family systems. The increasing burden of “affording” health care costs, the need to “second guess” health care decisions, and the realization that these issues are here to stay extract a heavy toll on the quality of life. Then there is the issue of aging parents.

Middle age brings boomers come face to face with the reality of aging parents. Even if their parents are fit and independent, boomers experience great apprehension over what lies ahead. Part of this stress is structural. The communal world of their grandparents has been replaced by post-WW II dispersed society that is in constant motion. Long-distance care giving is becoming the norm. Part of the stress is capacity. Boomers live complex lives with great transaction density. Their overbooked lifestyle leaves little capacity for the complex and escalating needs of their aging parents. Any number of the “predictable dilemmas of aging” can send the entire family into a tailspin. This includes the loss of a spouse, a change in health, or a financial setback.

Added to this is the volatile nature of family systems. As Dan discovered with his brother, siblings have their own opinions about what role they should play with their aging parents. When conflict ensues, the wide reach of one family system into another expands the impact of an already stressful situation. But aging parents are one half of the generational sandwich boomers must navigate. The other half is their children.

Like their parents, children of boomers are in constant motion. This holds true for those who are still living at home, have returned home, or are living on their own. This motion reflects the new economic reality that children of boomers face in a “global economy.” The upward trajectory potential of their parents has been greatly attenuated. Boomers provide their children with a more elaborate support system to weather change, set backs, and failed relationships than previous generations. The upheaval of dreams is not limited to boomer children. It also takes center stage in the careers of middle age adults.

Boomers have lived through the transformation of the world economy. While it has brought prosperity, globalization has also triggered a deep sense of instability in the work force. Linda’s husband saw first hand the impact of the sale of his company on his colleagues. It was painful, and it was frightening. For those who were ready to retire, it became a timely exit strategy. But for most of his boomer colleagues who still needed to work, it spelled career disaster. The financial losses of being laid off were compounded by the reality that a replacement job of equal quality was unlikely. The financial stress of career displacement takes its highest toll on long standing relationships that can easily crumble on the strain of a financial meltdown.

Boomers have lived through the transformation of marriage in American culture. The “right” to leave a dysfunctional relationship has replaced the taboo of divorce. As the external currents extract their toll on long standing marriages, many simply fold or die in place under the pressure. Children moving out the house, retirement, and financial problems can trigger a marriage crisis that has been simmering for years. It can also quickly lead to divorce.

Divorce also paves the way to remarriage. Reconfigured family systems, many times with both middle age adults having children from previous marriages, can add a new burden to boomers. Cross-family events like holidays, birth of grandchildren, and the death of relatives test the ability of the new system to survive these events.

Given the magnitude and diversity of the external currents, it is not surprising to discover that the one of the two primary developmental tasks of middle age is to “maintain stability in a world of increasing personal volatility.” This was the first lesson that Linda discovered about middle age; she saw her life become unstable before her eyes. She also knew in her heart this was not a temporary set back. The landscape of her life was undergoing a fundamental change. Boomers quickly realize that the external currents of middle age are darker, less forgiving, and a harbinger of what lies ahead. Like other boomers caught up in the riptide, Linda felt personally vulnerable. And like them, she was looking for ways to regain stability for herself and her family.

Chapter One: Hidden Currents

One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.

-Andre Gide

Linda had her doubts and fears about the future. At fifty she could feel her life being pulled off course by currents beyond her control. She first thought the problem was chronic fatigue from being perpetually overbooked and behind. She found herself in middle age with an overwhelming “to do” list. Most of the time she felt defeated by a network of obligations that left her no time to recover and regroup. But her concerns about the future were coming from deeper currents that were conspiring to keep her off balance despite heroic efforts to keep “everything together.” Clearly, everything was not together. Take her husband Dan.

Dan was fifty-five and trying to stay afloat with his own issues. The acquisition of his company by a long time competitor forced him to decide the fate of people who had been both his friends and associates for most of his career. The pressure of this responsibility led to another issue: Dan’s late night trip to the ER with chest pain and a racing heart.

Fortunately, he did not have a heart attack. But Dan was diagnosed with an arrhythmia that would require medication including blood thinners to prevent a stroke. Dan was just getting use to his diagnosis when he was confronted with another complication. His father fell and broke his hip.

The fall wasn’t a total surprise; his father had been unsteady on his feet for the last year. While the fracture was not complicated, Dan’s brother Tom nearly provoked a family meltdown. Although single and having the luxury of a flexible work schedule, Tom resisted any attempt to get him involved in his father’s recovery. Attempts to get him to “do his part in helping of dad” quickly escalated into shouting, accusations and bitter feelings.

Linda’s brother’s situation wasn’t any better. At forty-eight, Brain had recently had a “cardiac event” that required emergency angioplasty to open up blocked arteries in his heart. Despite this close call, he stubbornly refused to modify his risk factors. He still smoked and rejected suggestions that he change his diet or start exercising. In the back of Linda’s mind was her lethal family history of premature heart disease. After having his first heart attack at forty-five, her father had died in his mid-sixties from a second one. Brain appeared destined to suffer the same fate.

Her mother was a dilemma in slow motion. After years of good health, an active social life, and independence, she had steadily grown more needy and indecisive over the last year. It had reached the point where she needed Linda’s help for everything. Soon her mother’s living alone was not going to be an option; but where would her mother live now that Lori had moved back home?

Her daughter had been in her final year of college with good grades and bright future when seemingly out of nowhere Lori began to slip into depression. At first it looked like the university health care system could manage it. But three months ago things got worse and Lori stopped going to most of her classes. Linda flew out to assess the situation and wound up packing up her daughter and bringing her home. Lori seemed to be doing better, but it was going to take time, medication, and the support of her family before she could resume her education.

Lastly, there were Linda’s own health issues that started to surface in her late forties. Hypertension was quickly followed by pre-diabetes. Despite dietary changes and attempts at regular exercise, she was on two medications to stave off full-blown diabetes. The hot flashes of menopause only added to her health concerns. Above all there was a persistent anxiety that haunted her about losing the two important men in her life to premature heart disease like she had lost her father. She feared winding up alone like so many middle aged women.

Seventy six million boomers are making the middle crossing, the volatile journey between forty something and sixty something. It is a pilgrimage from the last vestige of youth into a world of mature adulthood, a passage from the first half of life into the second and most daunting phase. They all share similar concerns with Linda about where this journey will take them. First and foremost they worry about their quality of life. How do they successfully navigate the unfamiliar and threatening waters of middle age? What are the obvious and not so obvious dangers they will face during the crossing? Is there any way to prepare for them? What do they do when things fall apart? What strategies give them the best chance of arriving at old age in good shape? None of these are easy questions and highlight the fact that boomers, despite being awash in information, need better information about the journey between their late forties to their early sixties. Although they have become the poster child of “The Aging of America” story, they remain unclear about the purpose and meaning of what they are experiencing.

Boomers have been told many things about their generation in the popular media. It has become part of the shared myth about who they are and their journey through aging. The predominant focus of this attention has been on cohort issues, themes and symbols that define the unique experiences of the baby boomer generation. Not surprisingly, much of this marketing attention has been paid to the hopes and dreams of a generation who set out to change society. Now in middle age, boomers are being touted as the generation that will “rewrite the book on aging.” But is this cohort focus really an unhealthy distraction from the real business of being middle age? Will the boomers discover a work around to a critical passage that is a prelude to a successful old age or will they come up short as they enter their seventies and the final phase of their lives? While cohort material is valuable for telling the boomer’s story, it is not that useful to middle age adults like Linda who are struggling with the “riptide” of middle age. Linda is not interested in rewriting the book on aging so much as she is in trying to understand the forces that are changing her world and, more important, what needs to change to make it better.

She is not alone. All boomers are at risk for missing the developmental mission of middle age, a setback that could dramatically undermine both the quality and length of their lives. The developmental currents of this age group are potentially lethal, leaving unprepared travelers confused, exhausted, and having to face a long string of poor outcomes. On the other hand, knowing the real purpose of the middle aging can arm boomers with a more useful perspective and the critical tools to successfully complete this phase of the journey. It will also prepare boomers for what is to follow. But what is it that boomers need to know that the popular media has failed to mention?

Boomers need to adopt realistic expectations about becoming older. They will not reinvent the aging process. The process is mandatory for the human personality and structured to unfold in definitive segments in the lifecycle. They may rewrite their response to the “mission” of being middle age, but they will not be excused from the task. The best example of how the uniqueness of any generation can only modify but not negate the developmental process is teenagers. Each generation of teenagers responds to the complex task of seeking independence from their parents while at the same time preserving familial ties. The music, fashion, and technology change, but the mission of being a teenager does not. And so it is with boomers. All of the education, experience, success, and social advantage will help shape their response to middle age, but the mission of being middle age will still prevail. But what is this mission?

The most significant change in the middle-aged brain is a decrease in “executive function.” Executive function is the hub of multitasking and occurs in the frontal brain. It is responsible for prioritizing and keeping track of long lists of complicated, interconnected transactions. As this capacity begins to wane, it becomes harder and harder for middle-aged adults to keep “everything together.”

Complicating this setback in multitasking capacity is a concurrent decrease in the brain?s “staying on task” function. The impeccable filtering of distractions that comes so easy in youth begins to give way to the irresistible pull of distractions in middle age. The result is that middle-aged adults suffer from a failing attention span. Things get put in the wrong place, scheduling errors increase, “why I did I come in here” moments are more frequent, and “retrieval time” of information slows. This unwelcome and annoying distractibility has qualities that mimic ADD and make it harder and harder for middle-aged adults to “stay on task.”

Both of these brain changes complicate the job of caregiving for middle-aged adults where keeping everything together and staying on task are essential.

What can make this better?

1. Consider a “one-list” system Multiple “to do” lists can lead to disaster. It is more effective to work off a single, dynamic list that is constantly annotated, revised, rewritten, and reviewed. It becomes the focal point of a “keep track of things” system that is always identifying the most important short-term priorities and then quickly repositioning these items to the top of the list.

2. Fight the urge to “binge” multitask Binges of multitasking only exacerbate distractibility and prove inefficient and unhealthful. With the natural tendency of middle age brains to wander or lose their location “threads,” it is better to focus on a the task at hand and “turn off” as many distractions as much as possible (music, cell phone, email dings, etc.).

3. Optimize the continuum Mind-Body health is an interconnected continuum. The simple but powerful things that optimize bodies, optimize brains. Exercise, prayer, music, meditation, writing, dancing, being with friends, healthy food, support groups, and large does of humor open caregiver hearts, and, as importantly, give caregivers the creativity they need to build a new partnership with their middle age brains.