Archive for September, 2008

A recent survey conducted by AgingCare.com only reinforced was most of us boomers know about the reality of paying for the care of aging parents. It found that 63% of caregivers “have no plan as to how they will pay for their parent’s care over the next five years.” Understandably a similar percent of survey responders admitted that the cost of caring for a parent will impact their own financial future.

I am not all that surprised by this finding. We all knew it would come to this, but I don’t think any of thought it would be this severe. We all sustained a high level of magical thinking that “things would work themselves out.” They have but in a far more punitive and draconian fashion. Now what?

I think the only hope for Boomers at this point is “total mobilization” of resources. This means creating an inventory of all actual resources and all potential resources that could be helpful. This could include family members, neighbors, religious organizations, city and state programs, and senior services professionals. It also include information about reverse mortgages, wills, power of attorney, probate, long term care, medicare billing, independent and assisted living, and fall prevention. Once you start it, it will take on a life of its own.

This “proactive inventory” will be robust and insightful. It will for the most part end magical thinking and give you a real assessment of how you are going to fund, organize, and manage the drama of your aging parents. It will also show where you need to do major homework.

My suggestion is to get a sturdy, accordion file that holds your inventory in progress. Having everything in one place will prove to be a miracle unto itself. A good example of this is the “What You Need To Know Kit” that was created by Camille Jayne for unlocking the mystery of wealth management You can find out more about the kit at Mattersathand.com . Camille’s insight is that chaos (i.e. important papers and reference materials scatted everywhere) only makes the process worse. I wholeheartedly agree.

The next thing you need to do is to set some modest but measurable goals. Your initial inventory will show you the obvious gaps. Your first goals should address these gaps. Organize your goals into 30-day timeframes. Most of us can barely think beyond next week. Don’t try and make up for past mistakes. This is not a marathon, pace yourself. A few goals that you can do each month will deliver major results in a year. Just work the 30-day window, log your progress, and recast new 30-day goals. Nothing fancy, just a steady, really effective goal setting ritual that will dig you out of a world of trouble.

Lastly, create a draft of a crisis plan. If your aging parents suddenly crash, what’s the plan? Who is in it. Who are the key medical, financial, and legal players? Do they know you? Do they know your are essential to the plan? Where are the funds, the phone numbers, and the keys to the house? Use your 30-day goal system to fill in the gaps.

This is just a start and certainly others have more elaborate systems for doing this. But here is what I know about how this works after twenty years of coaching adult children. Just starting turns out to be the magic bullet that can avoid a poor outcome. Most our us don’t start; we think about starting. If we do start, we don’t have a ritual to keep it going. What I am suggesting gives Boomers a way to start and keep it going. It also provides a realistic view of what’s possible, where there is immediate work to be done, and a much needed crisis plan.

Our aging parents are negotiating a dense web of personal transitions in the last phase of life. As Nancy Gordon points out in her article, Spiritual Care in Times of Transitions(http://www.spiritualityandaging.org/pdfs/CSASPIRSep08final.pdf), it is helpful for family members and senior services professionals to view these turbulent passages using William Bridges’ three-phase transition model: letting go, traversing the in-between zone, and integrating the change. (The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments) . As Bridges points out, people in transition generally move through these phases in fits and starts, across varying periods of time, rather than progressing smoothly from one phase to the next. In addition, our aging parents experience multiple transitions at the same time making managing any one of them even more difficult.

Underlying this dense web of personal transitions is loss. While loss is traumatic at any age, it becomes especially painful and overwhelming in old age. As our aging parents struggle to maintain some semblance of control in world where all control is being lost, new losses destabilize and demoralize their outlook. What can be done to help our aging parents regain their emotional and spiritual balance after having experienced a difficult transition such as a setback in their health, the loss of a spouse, or moving into new living accommodations?

1. Make the reestablishment of their control system your number one priority. Our aging parents are dependent on family members, friends, and senior services professionals to be their “control facilitators” amid the upheaval of these difficult transitions. Control facilitators are advocates that protect and enforce our aging parent’s choices in the face of losses.

Control facilitators help aging parents “reframe” their thinking about both the meaning and the opportunity that is part of a loss. As important, they provide the energy, organization, and creativity to reestablish control systems that preserve a new form of independence and dignity.

Reestablished control systems are essential for aging parents to successfully navigate a major loss without giving up hope. While it may take a wheelchair to get mom around following a hip fracture, it doesn’t mean she has to stop going to places she loves. With the right planning, transportation and support system, diminished ambulation does not have to equate with diminish options.

2. Make the offering of tangible choices your number two priority. Our aging parents need to experience first hand that their reestablished control system is operational and effective. They may be initially overwhelmed by their new circumstances and be understandably skeptical that things will get better. Taking the time to stop and provide concrete choices, even ones that may seem unnecessary, can have a reassuring and positive affect. They offer our aging parents the comfort of being in charge as well as a reason for hope as they struggle to come to terms with major changes in their lives.