Friday, March 12, 2010

End of Life Conversations: From A Doctor’s Perspective

My wife Janet shared with me a very moving article about end of life conversations from a doctor’s perspective entitled: Talking Frankly at the End of Life. Here is the link.

One of the most important aspects of the article is the issue of telling the patient the truth about their medical condition. “Am I doing more harm than good?” the author asks from her physician point of view. She cites a recent study in JAMA that asked 300 terminal patients “if their doctors had ever discussed care at the end of life.” As important, after the patients died, the researchers looked at the type of care the patients received prior to death and then interviewed the caregivers six months after the death to see how they were adjusting.

The results indicated that the patients who discussed care at the end of life were more likely to have a better quality of life at the end of their lives. They were not more depressed. They had less aggressive medical interventions. They went to hospice earlier. As important, their caregivers fared better.

What we want to know at the end our life is a personal choice. We all want some version of the truth but in different degrees and different doses. The key is being offered, more than once, the opportunity to hear it from the person who holds so much sway over our lives: the doctor. It is a natural part of our leaving, the slow dance we all take to step away from this life, preserving our dignity and saying our final goodbyes. Ironically, to do this we may need to remind the doctors who take care of our aging parents as well as ourselves, it’s okay to talk about the end, more than once…

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Aging Parents Insights
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Aging Parents Insights, hosted by David Solie, is a blog radio show that provide listeners with "new ideas and strategies” for understanding and communicating with aging parents.

No Money: No Comment

I was recently asked what to do about aging parents who had little or no savings but refused to discuss any aspect of their “money issue.” It reminded me that our role as adult children is not necessarily about problem solving; it is about compassionate containment. So many of the issues we feel compelled to “fix” have no clear answers. The best we can do is sort out what to accept from what we can actually change. Here was the advice I offered:

The issue of money, like so many other issues in the last phase of life, is about control. The best way to approach it is to reframe money as means of maintaining control. Lack of money takes away control. This link http://www.dsolie.com/articles/reframing.html will take you to an article I authored on “communicating touch choices” that offers a practical strategy for how to do this.

You may also want to consider three strategies that will help you “hedge” your parent’s financial risk:

1. Buy a long term care policy with a two years home care/two years nursing home benefit. This assumes they will cooperative with the process (i.e. signing the applications and answering questions).

2. Start funding a dedicated “side fund” for expenses that a long term care policy will not cover.

3. If you parents own their home, become familiar with how “reverse mortgages work and when they make sense.

Lastly, you need to began discussions with local area agencies on aging to determine what, if any, community resources can assist your parents if they run out of money.

This is a tough end-game, especially if you parents don’t want to talk about. The article will help you frame your conversations. Be patient but persistent in your discussions about control and your desire to help them maintain it.